Stop Trying to Make Fetch Happen: Knowing When to Let Go

Yes, the phrase is from Mean Girls. But this isn’t about judging someone for trying. Sometimes we get so set on making something work that we stop asking whether it makes sense or whether it’s good for us.

It could be a job you keep hoping will get better. A relationship where you’re the only one trying. Or the kind of parent you thought you’d be before you had actual children with actual opinions about socks.

I’ve done it too.

The first time I really learned this lesson was what feels like a lifetime ago. My best friend and I moved to Santa Barbara for a paid internship right out of high school. We were so excited about it. We both grew up with parents, especially moms, who worked incredibly hard. I’d had a job since I was 15, and I’d been taught that you don’t quit unless you have another job lined up. We were also young enough that we didn’t know the regulations around internships in California or realize how much of what was happening wasn’t okay. We were overworked, parts of what we’d been promised weren’t happening, and we were starting to feel miserable. But we kept trying to make the best of it. That was what we did.

One day my friend said we needed to leave. I told her, “I am not a quitter.”

She told me that leaving a job that was dragging us down didn’t make me a quitter. Staying, at the expense of my own well-being, meant I was quitting on myself.

I still think about that conversation. I was so worried about being the kind of person who quits that I hadn’t stopped to consider what the job was doing to me. I was following a rule I’d learned years earlier, even though it didn’t fit the situation I was in.

That can happen outside of work, too. Maybe you feel guilty that you're not the type of parent you imaged or the one you see on Instagram. Or maybe you are in a relationship that you imagined could work but just doesn't. And the more effort you’ve put in, the harder it feels to admit you want something to change.

If you’re wondering when to let go, start by asking yourself a few things:

What is actually happening right now?

Set aside what someone promised, how things used to be, or what you hope will happen soon. What are your days actually like? Are you getting what you need? Is the effort shared, or are you doing the work of two people?

Try describing the situation to yourself without using the words “once,” “when,” or “if.” It might feel harsh at first, especially if there are good moments mixed in. But you can appreciate those moments and still be honest about what happens the rest of the time.

What am I so afraid of if I change my mind?

A lot of the time, it comes down to what we think other people will say. Will they think I gave up? That I made the wrong choice in the first place? Try finishing this sentence: “If I stop trying to make this work, people will think I’m ______.”

Then ask yourself whether you believe that, or whether it’s a rule you learned a long time ago. Would you judge a friend by the same rule? The people whose opinions you’re worried about aren’t the ones living with the consequences of staying. You are.

What’s one small step I can take today?

You don’t have to figure out your whole life today. Have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Look for other jobs. Drop one parenting rule that makes everyone miserable and see how it goes.

Pick one small thing you can change this week. Then pay attention to what happens. Does it give you more room to breathe? Does it show you something you’ve been trying hard not to see? Either answer is useful.

And if you do decide to leave or change direction, you’re allowed to be sad about it. You can grieve the version you hoped for and still choose the version that fits your life now. Those feelings can exist at the same time.

Some things are worth working through. Some need more time, support, or a very honest conversation. And some have been asking you to perform CPR on them for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to breathe.

Sometimes the answer is to keep working at it. Sometimes the answer is to leave. Either way, you deserve to make that choice based on what’s happening now, not just on the idea you had when you started.

You’re allowed to change your mind. Even if you really, really wanted fetch to happen.